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Dear mother, I can tell by the enthusiasm with which you took your birth control mints this morning (it wasn't necessary to maintain eye contact with me) that you're angry. Last night was...eventful and apologies are in order. The first thing I need you to apologize for is the screaming. When you noticed that I was standing by your bed like a phantom in the dark, it was entirely inappropriate to yell "Get behind me, Satan!" once you sensed my presence. It's not my fault it took you two whole minutes to realize I was there and then determine that it was me and not a young goblin standing two feet from your face. The second thing I'd like you to apologize for is the song you sang to me. I believe the lyrics are "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world" not "Jesus loves the consistent sleepers, all the heavy sleepers of the world." Are you familiar with the word "sacrilege"? That was very rude an

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