Dear mother,

I can tell by the enthusiasm with which you took your birth control mints this morning (it wasn't necessary to maintain eye contact with me) that you're angry.

Last night was...eventful and apologies are in order.

The first thing I need you to apologize for is the screaming. When you noticed that I was standing by your bed like a phantom in the dark, it was entirely inappropriate to yell "Get behind me, Satan!" once you sensed my presence.

It's not my fault it took you two whole minutes to realize I was there and then determine that it was me and not a young goblin standing two feet from your face.

The second thing I'd like you to apologize for is the song you sang to me. I believe the lyrics are "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world" not "Jesus loves the consistent sleepers, all the heavy sleepers of the world." Are you familiar with the word "sacrilege"? That was very rude and I was hurt by the implication.

Next, I'd like you to apologize to my growing body for saying the kitchen was closed. As uttered those words, a tortilla chip fell out of your mouth. So it's ok for you to graze all night like a dairy cow but I must starve? I didn't want anything complicated, just a grilled cheese sandwich with the crust cut off shaped like Chase from Paw Patrol with a side of apple slices (no peel). Some chocolate milk would've been nice. I know we were out but that's what 24 hour grocery stores are for. I would have liked it in the red cup, obviously (it's in the dishwasher- dirty). Would that have been so hard?

If you apologize now, I won't have to tell grandma or your friends about the swears. I don't know what "duck my life" means, but you said it more than once and I could tell by the tone that it was not friendly. Same goes for "this is bullship." Saying it under your breath doesn't make it less damaging to my gentle spirit and nothing about last night was bullship.

I'd also like you to apologize for being pantless during our twilight bonding. I know I came from your danger zone, I remember clearly, but a lot has changed. I didn't know what I was looking at and it scared me. A lot. Please get dressed next time. Maybe put on a Pull Up?

I'm not the only person you hurt last night. I know you thought I was asleep when you drop kicked Mr. Bunny down the hall but I was not. How do you live with yourself?

I'm confident that with your WRITTEN apology we can move past last night and focus on having a fun day of you getting me things.

Thank you for understanding and seriously please buy some underwear. Even newspaper and tape would work.

love, HT

Dear Dentist- I'm Sorry

Dear Dentist,

It was nice seeing you today. How is your hand? I too was surprised when my teeth cut through your gloves. Looks like I'm stronger than I thought. Rest assured that I am up to date on my shots.

In my defense, when you said, "Say Ah," I had no idea you were a bone collector who wanted my teeth.

Anyway sorry.

I also want to let you know that my mom lied several times during your interrogation. When you asked, "Do you brush teeth twice a day?" she was only half truthful.

While it's true that she puts me in a headlock and forces a toothbrush down my throat every night (I'm thinking of pressing charges if you know a lawyer), in the morning she just gives me a piece of toast in lieu of brushing. She says it works like a Milk Bone to remove debris. I wanted to tell you but she was holding my arm tight.

I want to talk to you about what you said concerning my night milk. Specifically about "cutting it off." Are you a biologist? Surgeon? Then how do you know what my body needs? You're a mouth doctor. That's basically a senior tooth fairy and have no business getting involved in the rest of my body's personal business. I would appreciate if you formally retracted your statement. Milk is like family to me.

Finally, when you said I'd get a "treat" at the end I assumed it would be something like fries or a hotdog not a piece of ocean plastic worth cents. Your reward box looks like a trash can from Santa's workshop. It's all garbage. There was not a single piece of taffy to be found. Your assistant said to take one of your poverty toys but I took three to make up for my trouble.

I hope your wound is healing alright.

See you in six months.

xoxo HT

10 Thoughts Your Toddler Has Between Midnight And 5AM

While adults enjoy sleeping during the twilight hours (lazy), the space between midnight and 5AM is, for advanced toddlers, a period of reflective thought and general scheming.

Here are 10 thoughts your toddler has between midnight and 5AM.

1. "Why do I, the youngest and most vulnerable person in the house, have to sleep alone when my parents sleep together? Surely, this is some kind of administrative error. I will fix it."

2. "I wonder what's in the fridge? Do we still have string cheese? I will go investigate."

3. "I wonder how much pee pee it would take to overflow my diaper transforming my bed into a marsh-like environment? There's only one way to find out."

4. "My stuffed animals seem to have fallen out of formation. I know a special lady who would love to help me organize them."

5. "I see that my infant sibling is sleeping soundly. I know how to fix that."

6. "Is the TV working right now? Let's check. As a family."

7. "You know what would be very cozy? Me sleeping in the Big Bed with one leg across mommy's face. I find it soothes her."

8. "This feels like as good a time as any to ask for a Band-Aid."

9. "I wonder how long the fall is from my crib to the floor. I will investigate."

10. "You know what I haven't done in awhile? Screamed so loud it alerted the neighbors. I miss that."

8 Brutally Honest Valentines From Toddlers

Happy (almost) Valentine's Day! To celebrate, I broke all my toys. 

If Toddlers Sent Valentines

I got together with some toddler friends of mine and we put these together. Love u!