Dear mother,

I can tell by the enthusiasm with which you took your birth control mints this morning (it wasn't necessary to maintain eye contact with me) that you're angry.

Last night was...eventful and apologies are in order.

The first thing I need you to apologize for is the screaming. When you noticed that I was standing by your bed like a phantom in the dark, it was entirely inappropriate to yell "Get behind me, Satan!" once you sensed my presence.

It's not my fault it took you two whole minutes to realize I was there and then determine that it was me and not a young goblin standing two feet from your face.

The second thing I'd like you to apologize for is the song you sang to me. I believe the lyrics are "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world" not "Jesus loves the consistent sleepers, all the heavy sleepers of the world." Are you familiar with the word "sacrilege"? That was very rude and I was hurt by the implication.

Next, I'd like you to apologize to my growing body for saying the kitchen was closed. As uttered those words, a tortilla chip fell out of your mouth. So it's ok for you to graze all night like a dairy cow but I must starve? I didn't want anything complicated, just a grilled cheese sandwich with the crust cut off shaped like Chase from Paw Patrol with a side of apple slices (no peel). Some chocolate milk would've been nice. I know we were out but that's what 24 hour grocery stores are for. I would have liked it in the red cup, obviously (it's in the dishwasher- dirty). Would that have been so hard?

If you apologize now, I won't have to tell grandma or your friends about the swears. I don't know what "duck my life" means, but you said it more than once and I could tell by the tone that it was not friendly. Same goes for "this is bullship." Saying it under your breath doesn't make it less damaging to my gentle spirit and nothing about last night was bullship.

I'd also like you to apologize for being pantless during our twilight bonding. I know I came from your danger zone, I remember clearly, but a lot has changed. I didn't know what I was looking at and it scared me. A lot. Please get dressed next time. Maybe put on a Pull Up?

I'm not the only person you hurt last night. I know you thought I was asleep when you drop kicked Mr. Bunny down the hall but I was not. How do you live with yourself?

I'm confident that with your WRITTEN apology we can move past last night and focus on having a fun day of you getting me things.

Thank you for understanding and seriously please buy some underwear. Even newspaper and tape would work.

love, HT