Dear Dentist- I'm Sorry

Dear Dentist,

It was nice seeing you today. How is your hand? I too was surprised when my teeth cut through your gloves. Looks like I'm stronger than I thought. Rest assured that I am up to date on my shots.

In my defense, when you said, "Say Ah," I had no idea you were a bone collector who wanted my teeth.

Anyway sorry.

I also want to let you know that my mom lied several times during your interrogation. When you asked, "Do you brush teeth twice a day?" she was only half truthful.

While it's true that she puts me in a headlock and forces a toothbrush down my throat every night (I'm thinking of pressing charges if you know a lawyer), in the morning she just gives me a piece of toast in lieu of brushing. She says it works like a Milk Bone to remove debris. I wanted to tell you but she was holding my arm tight.

I want to talk to you about what you said concerning my night milk. Specifically about "cutting it off." Are you a biologist? Surgeon? Then how do you know what my body needs? You're a mouth doctor. That's basically a senior tooth fairy and have no business getting involved in the rest of my body's personal business. I would appreciate if you formally retracted your statement. Milk is like family to me.

Finally, when you said I'd get a "treat" at the end I assumed it would be something like fries or a hotdog not a piece of ocean plastic worth cents. Your reward box looks like a trash can from Santa's workshop. It's all garbage. There was not a single piece of taffy to be found. Your assistant said to take one of your poverty toys but I took three to make up for my trouble.

I hope your wound is healing alright.

See you in six months.

xoxo HT