How To Spend Valentine's Day With A Toddler

Valentine's Day is coming up. The purpose of Valentine's Day is to remember that while the people in your family are draining you mentally and financially, they're all you've got.

 If you have a toddler at home, you're in luck because it means you get to spend the day (and night) with your little sweetheart. Get excited!

Liars on the television will tell you that this holiday is best spent in a restaurant while your toddler stays at home with a shady Craigslist babysitter, but not only is this wrong, it is rude. Date nights should always include the person who made your family complete: your small child. So if you're going out, bring the diaper bag and your toddler for hours of fun in public.

If you're thinking of getting a hotel this weekend and throwing your toddler to the wolves, please remember who's going to choose your final resting place. Your coffin can be made out of beatiful mahogany or cheap Styrofoam- it all depends on the choices you made while you were alive. "I have lots of time left." False. Have you ever heard the sounds your bones make when you stand? They're almost fully disintegrated. Look at your face.


"Should I use Valentine's Day as an opportunity to be romantic with my partner?" NO. Don't be selfish. Everyone likes chocolate, especially toddlers who need vitamin D from the milk inside. Eat the treats in the big bed together for a truly spectacular evening. This is the true meaning of romance.

"Should I buy only one person in the house flowers?" NO. While dead park leaves are the foliage meal of choice for toddlers, we enjoy the feeling of roses between our teeth as well.

"Should I use this holiday as an excuse to create a sibling even though our family is complete and study after study has proven that infants are disrespectful?" NO. You can't afford another baby, not with your current job and expenses. And chances are your toddler isn't being held enough as it is. You have no right to bring another person into this family, especially not someone smaller than your original child. There are no extra blankets.

"Should I use this holiday as a reason to put my toddler to bed early, play Usher's Greatest Hits, and wrestle with mommy?" NO. This action makes me very uncomfortable. If I even sense that it is happening, I will destroy my entire bedroom with feces. This isn't a joke or threat, it's my sacred promise. Actions have consequences.

This Valentine's Day, invite your toddler into the Big Bed*, dim the lights, make some popcorn and watch The Land Before Time 1-14. You don't need fancy dates with expensive spaghetti, not when you have a little 2T in your home to keep you company and ask for things.

*Put your toddler in between you two, please.

True love stays home! Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm the official ambassador for the following book:
Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any 


The stars are out, it’s dark outside.  
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down. 
My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock. 

I love mommy so much.
She’s my favorite cutie.
Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie.

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock,
because nobody likes a cockblock.

If you're a parent who knows the pain of hearing your toddler cry over the baby monitor the second magic was about to go down, this book is for you.

If you're a parent whose 4 year-old seems to know the moment you're about to break that month-long dry spell and takes that opportunity to crap their pajama pants, this book is for you.

If you're a parent with cobwebs on your genitals who can't remember the last time they had an "O" that wasn't an "Oreo" cookie eaten while crying about their blue balls (or blue ovaries) this book is for you.

Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world. 

Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a full color paperback children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on. The 32-pages of inappropriate prose and hilarious illustrations that will leave you laughing about your sad life. It's perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.

Release date (no pun intended): April 5th 

Screw looking for a last minute Mother's Day or Father's Day present.