Mother's Day Gifts For Wine Lovers

This is a Toddlers Only post. If you sleep on a $99 Babies R Us mattress that feels like scrap metal in a pillowcase, keep reading.

Mother's Day is coming up. It might just help if we stop pretending they want anything other than wine & wine accessories.

What is wine?

Wine is a beverage that helps adults relax and forget how many children they can truly afford. Adults use wine to celebrate special moments in their life like sunset or walking to the kitchen. Wine is enjoyed with many foods but it pairs especially well with sadness. Parents like to drink wine while watching the theater or infomercials for Hip Hop Abs. "Wine o'clock," as parents call it, varies based on time zone and number of children in the house

1 Child: 5PM or final school pick up.
2 Children: 4:45PM or final school pick up.
3+ Children; 4:30PM or final school pick up.
Teething Child: Your call

Below are 10 Gifts For the Wine Lover Mom in your life.

1. Vino2Go

Nothing says "Check on my kids" like wine in a sippy cup. Now you can make questionable decisions on the go.

I'm not sure under what circumstances an adult would need something like this.

Maybe you are rock climbing and don't want to fuss with a bottle opener?

Maybe you need to hydrate with wine while using the treadmill at the gym?

In addition to the red/pink combo above, Vino2Go also comes in Business Black so you can get fired and red/green to make the holidays memorable. 
Getting terminated was never so stylish.

♪ Tis the season to be arrested. Fa la la la la la la la la ♫

2. Big Mouth Toys Ultimate Wine Bottle Glass

This is the perfect gift for a mom who loves wine and has always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance.

I would like to be officially released of all liability associated with this product.

3. Wine Barrel Cork Cage

Looking for a hideous way to store the corks you're saving for Pinterest crafts you won't make? This weird bird cage to the rescue!

Keep this cork display case in your living room so that people will know right away that you can't be trusted to host playdates.

4. Oenophila Porto Sippers

"Honest Toddler, I love wine but looking like a fool at all times is equally important to me. Do you have any suggestions?"

Yes! Drink out of one of these silly straw elephant trunks and you are guaranteed to lose the respect of everyone in the room.

5. The Essential Scratch and Sniff Guide To Becoming A Wine Expert

This is probably the only bedtime story with which she will never skip pages. So there's that.

6. Wine Cork USB Drive

This USB drive will keep track of all the things wine helps her forget.

I'm not 100% sure this is really a USB drive. I think they might be counting on you not noticing on account of the beverages.

Please double check this before storing your important documents.

7. Stainless Steel Red Wine Glass Earrings 

We've all heard the saying "Let your freak flag fly." Now you can also let it dangle from your ears with this shameful jewelry. Made from the government's finest stainless steel, these are the perfect accessories for showing up late to the PTA meeting.

8. ASICS Women's GEL-Nimbus 15 Running Shoe

 These shoes had "wine" in the description. I think it's because they're perfect for running to the wine store if your car won't start.

9. The Original RedNek Wine Glass

This gift is for the mom who likes Pinterest but loves to party. Very classy and spectacular, this Ball jam mason jar will make you feel like you're in Gone With the Wind when you're just Gone For The Night.

10. The WineRack 

For the woman who has it all except a probation officer, get The WineRack. It's like a nursing bra but not at all. This is probably what Elsa was talking about when she said, "Conceal. Don't feel."

Order my book if you want to succeed in life/love.