Dear Santa. How Are You?

December 21, 2014

Dear Santa. How Are You?

Dear Santa,

First, I'm a big fan of your work and have seen all of your films.

Question. Did you get a phone call from my mom yesterday? Hahaha LOL she's funny right? She also tends to exaggerate and enjoys wine nightly. Every night she drinks. I don't know how much but it's not out of a regularly portioned glass. More like a novelty mug.

Father Christmas....can I call you that? I just want to explain a few things. I'm a growing toddler and sometimes I get curious about cause and effect. Consequences. Like how if you leave crayons outside on a hot day, they melt. Or if you put juice in the freezer, it will get cold and hard. Or if you slap a friend on the back of the head with a plastic shovel as a reminder not to touch your toys, this "friend" might run crying like a little baby to his mom who will tell your mom and you'll have to leave the park even though you were having a great time and your castle isn't finished and then your mom will tell your dad and they'll call Santa and not explain the whole story.

Those are just three examples.

I think what's important is to remember that I'm a child.

You've probably been working on my gifts all year. If they (plural gifts) already have my name on them it would be weird to give them to another child and wrong to let them go to waste.

I'm not going to lie, Santa. I think it's strange that a grown man watches children who aren't his all the time even when they're sleeping but I hope you saw what happened yesterday from multiple perspectives.

Did I mention my blood sugar was low?

Also, I was due for a nap.

Santa, you need to know that Charles, who is now my enemy, is a bad seed. I don't know if this is the appropriate place to voice gift recommendations but I think he should receive nothing this year for ruining my day and putting a rift between my parents and myself.

Do you know that I love trucks? :) I do! I also like soft toys to cuddle with at night. Tigers. If we're talking stockings I LOVE gummy bears.

Santa, what I'm trying to say here is that sometimes, just like in Law & Order, the most obvious bad guy, isn't the real perp. Oftentimes, it's the person who was wearing stupid Thomas the Train Mr. Conductor overalls that should be mine who is the real problem (his name starts with "C"- see above).

I really love you, Santa. Thank you for all of the gifts you've given me thus far. Even though they're all broken, lost, or of no interest to me now, I'm excited to see what lies in store this December.

This year when I leave you cookies, I won't eat all of them before you arrive like last year. I'm very sorry about that. In my defense, dinner was salmon and I only eat fish in stick form.

Thank you for reading this. Remember, my love language is toys.

PS. A baby brother or sister as a gift would be returned. DAMAGED.

xoxo HT

One of these days, your child will be old enough to learn the truth about Santa.

Are you ready?

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