tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85921192055859023312024-03-03T18:51:53.308-05:00honest toddlerUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger158125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-49018701201828483882016-04-08T05:16:00.003-04:002020-10-29T11:46:31.407-04:00Apologies
Dear mother,
I can tell by the enthusiasm with which you took your birth control mints this morning (it wasn't necessary to maintain eye contact with me) that you're angry.
Last night was...eventful and apologies are in order.
The first thing I need you to apologize for is the screaming. When you noticed that I was standing by your bed like a phantom in the dark, it was entirely Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-25529782646558101722016-03-23T14:37:00.004-04:002021-12-12T17:13:05.847-05:00Dear Dentist- I'm Sorry
Dear Dentist,
It was nice seeing you today. How is your hand? I too was surprised when my teeth cut through your gloves. Looks like I'm stronger than I thought. Rest assured that I am up to date on my shots.
In my defense, when you said, "Say Ah," I had no idea you were a bone collector who wanted my teeth.
Anyway sorry.
I also want to let you know that my mom lied several times during Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-67250521412886924382016-03-09T07:48:00.002-05:002020-10-29T11:47:05.857-04:0010 Thoughts Your Toddler Has Between Midnight And 5AM
While adults enjoy sleeping during the twilight hours (lazy), the space between midnight and 5AM is, for advanced toddlers, a period of reflective thought and general scheming.
Here are 10 thoughts your toddler has between midnight and 5AM.
1. "Why do I, the youngest and most vulnerable person in the house, have to sleep alone when my parents sleep together? Surely, this is some kind of Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-73463872989089470282016-02-11T13:00:00.003-05:002020-10-29T11:47:21.806-04:008 Brutally Honest Valentines From Toddlers
Happy (almost) Valentine's Day! To celebrate, I broke all my toys.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-62207979636396179752016-02-10T13:49:00.001-05:002020-10-29T11:47:39.412-04:00If Toddlers Sent Valentines
I got together with some toddler friends of mine and we put these together. Love u!
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-74923230026552771902016-02-10T05:41:00.003-05:002021-12-12T17:14:09.121-05:00How To Spend Valentine's Day With A Toddler
Valentine's Day is coming up. The purpose of Valentine's Day is to remember that while the people in your family are draining you mentally and financially, they're all you've got.
If you have a toddler at home, you're in luck because it means you get to spend the day (and night) with your little sweetheart. Get excited!
Liars on the television will tell you that this holiday is best Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-11571181917770363552016-02-02T12:19:00.001-05:002016-02-02T12:19:22.893-05:0012 Toddler Rules For Eating Dinner
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I'm willing to eat dinner under the following conditions:
1. You must hold me.2. You must feed me.3. I must eat directly from your plate. 4. I must drink directly from your glass. Do not complain about the gumbo I create with my backwash, that's rude.5. No bite can be larger than the Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-62281256073140892232016-01-24T07:10:00.003-05:002016-01-24T07:10:31.827-05:00This is Toddler
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The Toddler Version.
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-70344388281055191092016-01-08T17:25:00.002-05:002016-01-09T06:43:10.908-05:00Top Toddler Toys of 2016 by Honest Toddler
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Despite being a toddler expert, I'm rarely consulted for anything including what I'd like for dinner (bread). Since I know you want my opinion, but feel too shy to ask, below are my predictions for the top toddler toys of 2016.
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(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle |Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-15829147925648429252015-12-21T12:06:00.002-05:002016-03-10T11:22:57.339-05:00How To Block Caillou On Netflix
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HT's mom here. Yeah I hacked the blog and it's for the greater good.
A mom named Jondelyn C. on the Honest Toddler page has just preserved the sanity of millions by revealing a little known trick: blocking shows on Netflix. Whether it's that little demon Caillou or another annoying as hell Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-46433463376298254702015-12-15T13:04:00.002-05:002021-12-12T17:16:30.452-05:00A Toddler's Apology To Santa
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Dearest Santa,
First, I just want to say that it was an absolute pleasure meeting you at the mall. I apologize for all of the screaming and bucking when they placed me in your lap. In my defense, you are kind of a stranger. It's hard to get to know someone when they only come around once a year when you're Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-34447852659394115872015-11-30T11:39:00.003-05:002021-12-12T17:16:47.422-05:0010 Thoughts Your Toddler Has While Potty Training
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The holidays are coming up and some of you probably think it's cute to buy a potty and say it's from Santa. Toddlers aren't idiots. We know Santa doesn't get involved in domestic matters so just don't.
Changing diapers isn't any more difficult than say, spending a child's college fund on Etsy hats. Please Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-24309518234195863252015-11-17T11:24:00.002-05:002015-12-15T13:08:39.555-05:008 Things Your Toddler Needs Right Now
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Parenting is the most rewarding job in the world because while you don't get money, respect, or empathy and your health is on a rapid decline, you get to learn the true meaning of service.
By being a constant source of demands, your toddler is testing your commitment to them. As a bonus, you have the Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-19579503186997305962015-11-04T14:55:00.005-05:002015-11-04T15:01:06.894-05:00Potty Training: Fantasy vs. Reality
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Potty training: is it even possible? Science says no but parents around the world can't stop making fools out of themselves. Potty training is not something you should put your child through. Children will naturally learn how to use the bathroom around their 14th or 15th birthday.
Why did you Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-72283453844130021182015-07-07T19:03:00.000-04:002015-07-07T19:10:29.250-04:00Three Quick Dinner Tips For ToddlersDinner is a terrible time for most toddlers. We don't mind the sitting or eating, but doing both at once is asking too much. And can we talk about these recipes? Why are adults even cooking when there are Diary Queens in almost every city? All that aside, here are a few tips to see you through.
Tip #1: Spread your rice or pasta out as thinly as you can on your placemat. Finely shredUnknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-16303420504126847452015-07-06T14:15:00.001-04:002015-07-06T14:28:24.104-04:00Beach Day: Toddler View vs Mom ViewBeach Day: Toddler View vs. Mom View
Weird. I don't recall her doing any of that stuff. She did forget the string cheese though. I cried.
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We recommend Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-58596953488716978722015-07-03T14:49:00.002-04:002015-07-03T14:57:38.889-04:00Baby Found Floating in Inflatable Toy After Tanning Parents Forgot They Had a Kid
Having kids is hard. Remembering you have them is even harder.
A ten-month old baby was rescued by the Turkish coast guard today after she was found floating half a mile out to sea in an inflatable device.
(Picture: Anadolu Agency/Getty
People at the beach tried to help but the current was too strong.
(Picture: Anadolu Agency/Getty)
Turkish news says the parents forgot they put herUnknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-89140773363615304962015-06-30T07:24:00.000-04:002015-06-30T07:24:06.715-04:00What Your Toddler Wants For BreakfastWhat your toddler wants for breakfast
Most popular breakfast foods in the toddler community:
Butter licked off of toast
Six gallons of milk
The scent of one strawberry
Crushing a banana with hands (not to eat, just to enjoy the sensation)
Mail
Couch Goldfish
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-32323374401382728252015-06-28T20:00:00.001-04:002015-06-28T20:12:24.655-04:00How Toddlers See Their Food vs. Your Food I still don't understand why we need booster seats and high chairs when you have a perfectly good lap.
Spaghetti by Pandora 64Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-61282065891353179332015-06-28T10:54:00.001-04:002015-06-28T11:03:17.534-04:00A Parent's Sunday Checklist Religious services don't count. You probably just went for the doughnuts anyway, tell the truth. TAKE TODDLER TO THE PARK.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-13792480772963252722015-06-27T18:37:00.000-04:002015-06-27T18:52:04.277-04:00A Toddler's Rules For The Babysitter
First of all:
Rules
1: No looking at me until I give you the signal. If you saw the signal that means you were looking at me and already broke the first rule. Good job.
2: I don't even really need you. I stay home by myself all the time. They just hired you in case I need to reach something high so don't get proud. Technically you're an intruder so I can call the police at anytime Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-11559810444327329182015-06-05T18:20:00.002-04:002015-06-10T09:38:34.283-04:00This Is Your Toddler After A Day At Grandma's HouseAt least I had fun. That's what matters.
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Subscribe to Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-74637134634677482872015-06-04T14:01:00.002-04:002015-06-10T09:38:47.557-04:00Things That Scare Parents
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<Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-50322202501299228982015-06-03T12:09:00.001-04:002015-06-10T09:38:57.321-04:00Six More Sensors in a Toddler's Head Don't be mad about the first one. You can't afford more kids.
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592119205585902331.post-45077778228304362682015-06-02T14:43:00.003-04:002016-02-28T08:43:44.439-05:00The 6 Sensors in a Toddler's Head
I smell Tostitos.
I'm the official ambassador for the following book:
Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any
Excerpt:
The stars are out, it’s dark outside.
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes.
Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock.
Because nobody likes a cockblock.
The train’sUnknownnoreply@blogger.com